Holding him down
by scasfra
Summary: Nate has reached the breaking point and decided to end his own life, hapilly some precious somebody saves him without even knowing it. Warning: Major character death


**So this is my first tragedy fic and when I went to reread it I noticed I left some peaces wich were still on my mother languages, I orrected that alrready and I am really sorry.**

**Anyways, Please let me no what you thought about this :)**

Five years. Five years had gone by and, on opposite of what people kept telling him, nothing had changed.

He still missed her all the time, still saw her shadow on the corner of his eyes, still had that feeling she was by his side and still could sense her perfume spreading on the air, he would still fall asleep crying, wishing for her to come back.

This time she was definitely not going to come back. Sophie Devereaux died the day their daughter, Alaina, was born.

Nate heard a clash and went to check her out on the bathroom; he found her lying on the floor with bloody hands placed on her womb, blood coming from between her legs like hell. "Oh Nate - she said in fading away tone. - I think there's something wrong with the baby..." After that she blacked out and, those were the last words she ever said.

Nate didn't even see his baby girl on the months that followed Sophie's death. Instead, he sat on a stool by the bar and drunk himself a stupor until he was numb enough he could hope that was only temporary and that she would enter those doors at any minute, lecturing him about how drunk he was all the time.

Alaina didn't live with her father until she was two, before he was in a too dark place to take care of his own child, the child who at his eyes had killed his wife so; Eliot took charge of the little girl. He did it because Hardison wasn't good with children and Parker, even though she loved them hadn't her priority's straight enough to educate one. Uncle Eliot taught her how to talk, how to walk and he was the one answering all her questions about mommy, he was the only one whom she could not lie to, the one whom she'd always obey.

Nathan Ford would be eternally grateful to Eliot due to that alone, for taking care of the grifter's daughter while he did nothing besides drinking, staring at pictures of her and going to her room smelling her clothes in order to get some comfort to feel a little bit closer to the love of his life.

Exactly five years had gone by, there was no relief for him and the only thing changed was the fact he was raising his own daughter. He was sitting in front of the TV, a glass of Scotch resting on the table, next to the bottle.

It could be a normal night, similar to so many others yet, it wasn't. Today... today was her birthday, today there was even more pain and he had been dragged to a place darker than usual. He wanted to curl up on fetal position inside his bed and cry himself until the mastermind wouldn't feel anything anymore, the same thing he did every single year since she died.

However, for some reason he hadn't done it this time. No, tonight he was sitting on the couch with a gun on his hand and a decided look...

Going to her, going to Sam... There was nothing keeping him there, not even Alaina; she had Eliot and Eliot was almost a better father for her than he was.

That wasn't the first time he found himself thinking about finishing it all, the main difference between now and those other times was the fact he was going to do a lot more than just thinking about it.

He held the gun to his head and closed his eyes. "See you in a moment, Soph" he whispered a little hopeful, but then he heard steps.

Nathan hid the gun under a pillow the exact moment she showed up. Alaina, Lainey almost never woke in the middle of her sleep, except for the nights her dad was darker, the exact nights he'd think about killing himself, she didn't have a clue, but still, it was like she knew, like she was trying to save him. He didn't know why or how she managed to do that, but the fact was she did it and, apparently tonight was not going to be different...

She was quiet in front of him, a mini Sophie with big, expressive eyes pouting while strangling a rag doll in her arms.

In less than two minutes she scaled to his lap and placed her arms around his neck, hugging with him the most of her strengths.

He hugged her too, but did not say anything back at her sweet slow tone: "I love you, daddy". He simply hugged her tighter so she'd be sure he would never let go.

Nate had never told her how much he loved her, he wasn't able to do so since there was a part of him which would keep judging her, thinking that if Sophie hadn't got pregnant, if Lainey had never existed in the first place than his beloved Sophie would still be alive, hugging him in that same second.

He loved her for sure, after all she was his daughter,_ Sophie's daughter_ though, he still wasn't able to tell her how much he loved her, it hurt too much.

The girl went back to bed as fast as she had appeared, he did the same.

He woke up a few hours later with a small childish hand touching him, softly, in the face. "Dad, I had nightmare... Can I sleep with you?" He turned around to make room for her. "Sure thing, baby"

She layid next to him with her doll and curled up facing him, they both stood silently for minutes until she broke it "I dreamed with mommy again... – She had only seen her mother trough pictures Parker had made him place around the house so nobody would forget about her. –"I miss her... Is that weird?"

Nate was touched by his daughter's statement however, he did understand her very well, to him it was possible to miss something he did not know. "No darling, I miss her too"... A few more minutes of silence, the girl turned and gazed at the ceiling.

"Daddy, why did mommy have to die?" He stuttered "I... I don't know sweety." She stared a little bit more "I wish she didn't." He said nothing. She turned around confronting him "Was it my fault, daddy?" It was dark, but he could still see her eyes getting wet; that broke his heart. "Of course not, darling! It had nothing to do with you... It just... It happened ok?" He answered desperately trying to convince her and himself at the same time.

She nodded and closed her eyes to sleep. "I just wish she'd be here with us..." and pressed the doll - which she had named Sophie - against her chest.

He stroked her waved her, moving it away from her face. "I wish that too, darling. Very much..."

She was already deep asleep when he turned to her and whispered to her ear... "thank you for holding me down, darling. I love you too! I swear I do!"


End file.
